Sal Mourns the Passing of a Legend

Hi, folks. It's an incredibly depressed Sal.

Now, Sal doesn't enjoy bringin' you folks down - generally Sal is all about cheerin' and merry-makin'. But Sal found somethin' out today that has got him sadder than a frog wit'out wings.

See, news gets up here to this Canada place pretty slow so Sal was a little behind the times. Sal was busy havin' fun wit' Mrs. Sal and the minis, doin' some general Toronto sight seein', when he overheard two Canadian types talkin'. At first Sal only heard bits and pieces but he was able to figure out that they were talkin' about someone dyin'. Someone famous.

Sal heard a little more and he heard about an accident at the Preakness, and somethin' about a broken leg and an infection. Then Sal heard the name.

And Sal wept.

Yes, Pals. Sal is sorry to have inform you of the death of...

Barbarino


Now you're probably as stunned and confused as Sal was. So let Sal explain.

Here's the straight talk comin': apparently this crazy fella decided it would be a good idea to run in the Preakness. Sal doesn't get it. It's no wonder he broke his leg, what with bein' surrounded by all them equines.

Sal finally did manage to calm down a bit, but he's pretty mad at Mrs. Sal now. See, all durin' Sal's mournin', Mrs. Sal kept tellin' him to "calm down" and to "stop carryin' on over an animal."

Sal knows Barbarino was a Scientologist, but that don't make him an animal.

So, Pals, that's the story. If you're up for it, please join Sal in a tribute to Barbarino. Sal will be spendin' the whole day tomorrow wit' a rubber hose up his nose.

Sal is Man Enough to Admit Mistakes

OK, folks. Sal gives.

In the days and months since Sal wrote this here post, he's been gettin' all kinds of complaints - and he's finally ready to admit that you, his readers, are right.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal now knows that the Swedish Chef was NOT the only muppet wit' a Fu Manchu. He has since been reminded of the existence of one Sgt. Floyd Pepper:








So, Sal readily admits the kick-ass-ness of Floyd's Fu-Muppet-Chu. Please stop emailin', Sal gets it.

Unless you're Canadian...then candidate Sal wants to hear everythin' you have to say.

Sal Pledges His Allegiance In An Uncomfortably Passionate Way

Well, looks like everything's worked out, folks.

Ol' Sal was fearin' that, because of that whole "burnin' the passport" incident, he'd have trouble makin' it into Canada in order to experience the wonderment that his new home: Toronto.

Luckily, Sal's agent came through and got Sal a replacement passport that he put right to good use.

As soon as Sal found himself movin' across the border, he decided that he needed to embrace his new nation with open arms. So, Sal did some decision makin' and decided two new things:

1) Sal's new favorite tree is officially "maple."

2) Sal is gonna grab his Canada-experiencin' by the antlers and register to become a Canadian citizen!

Now, Sal knows that this here news is pretty excitin' stuff, and many of you are probably already clappin' your hands. But, there's more. See, folks, Number Two on Sal's decidin' list is only the beginnin'.

Here's the straight-talk comin': Once Sal gets his Canadian citizenship in the mail, he's announcin' a run to be Canadian Prime Minister!

Oh, sure, Sal knows that he's got to form an exploratory committee first, seein' as that's what all these big-wig politician-types do in the States. But, since no politician-type has ever discovered that the people don't want them to run for office, Sal's thinkin' it's all just a formality and that the greatest office in all of Canada is his for the takin'.

Sal hasn't run this by Mrs. Sal and the mini-Sals, but he's pretty sure they'll be lovin' the idea, just like all you folks are probably already celebratin' in your own way.

In fact, Sal is so dedicated to this here idea that he's even startin' to put together some publicizin' materials so that you hockey-lovin' beauties remember to vote for Sal on...

...whenever it is you vote for Prime Minister.

In any case, here's Sal's first crack at his campaign advertisin':



Sal thinks it captures a confident-yet-comfortin' look that's appealin' to the votin' public.

So, remember, folks: "Sal may be a backup catcher on the field, but he's a first-string candidate to be in charge of Canada."

Nice, eh?

Sal Has Designs On His Future

Hey, folks. Guess who this here guy is?

Here's the straight talk comin': It's a new logo, for a new year, for a new country.

It looks good, eh?

Sal Has Been Forced to Renounce His American Citizenship

Well, folks - Sal don't know what to say.

As far back as Sal can remember (somewhere in the mid-80s) he's believed in his hero's mantra , which consists of t'ree things: sayin' his prayers, takin' his vitamins, and bein' a Real American. Today, Sal has been forced by livin'-makin' circumstance to give up one of the t'ree.

Sal is no longer an American.

Sal can't tell you how much this here hurts him. This here country is amazin', what wit' George Washington leadin' and Abe Lincoln emancipatin' and Molly Pitcher waterin' and Jesus bein' born. But sometimes a backup catcher has gotta go where the work is, and for big Sallie the work is in this here place:












Anyway, Sal had to start gettin' used to his new maple syrup-eatin', SARs-havin', mountie-lovin' lifestyle. So the first thing Sal took to doin' was renouncin' his US citizenship. See, Sal's pretty sure this here Canada place won't let him in until he's not a US citizen. So, Sal went down to the local town square and set his passport on fire while screamin' "Sal renounces!"

So that's done.

There was only one problem: turns out Sal needed his passport to get into this new country. Sal's agent managed to work the whole thing out, though. Seems even the border guards recognize a kick-ass Fu Manchu when they see it.

Sal's agent was also nervous about Sal renouncin' his citizenship. Why you ask?

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal ain't exactly startin' the season in the majors. He's goin' down to AAA for a while. No big deal - he'll be back in the Show before long (even if it requires personal catchin'). But, Sal doesn't know what his agent is worried about. Turns out, Sal's new team (can't say which one) has their AAA team someplace in Italy, so Sal will be out of the USA anyway.

In summary, Pals: Sal is now a bush-league Canadian. Pretty mind-blowin', eh? (These here crazy foreigners like to say "eh" a lot).

But don't worry - this here guy is the only thing standin' between Sal in the Majors:


Look at them glasses! He's what we in baseball call a "dork."

Sal will be back in no time.

Keep the faith, Pals.

Sal Drops Some Knowledge on Y'all

OK, folks. Time to for Big Sallie to get serious.

Two days ago, Sal posted a poll askin' you pals a simple question: "If a crazy-psycho lunatic had a gun to your head and told you to pick only one of these here fellas to send to the Hall of Fame, who would you pick?"

Now, a whoppin' eleven of you responded - and the choice was unaninynimo...uninan...unanoymu...all of you voted for Sal. That's eleven more votes than Scott Brosius got on the Hall of Fame ballot. Now - don't get Sal wrong, he's flattered by this...but the real reason he posted this poll was to protect you. Sal wanted to make sure his Pals were safe in any situation.

See, if any of you folks were in said situation and you ended up givin' Sal as your answer - no matter how sound in "Fieldin' Percentage" your choice may be - you would all be dead. Shot-in-the-head-by-a-crazy-psycho-lunatic dead.

Why you ask? Well, the answer is simple.

Here's the straight talk comin': if you are ever in a situation where a crazy psycho-lunatic has a gun to your head and is askin' you pick one fella from a list of fellas to go to the Hall of Fame there is at least an 87% chance that said crazy psycho-lunatic is none other than Gary Sheffield.



See, Sal used to be teammates with Gary (some of the more discriminatin' among you may have recognized him in Sal's Swedish Shef post) and Sal himself was put in this situation many a time.

So please - if you're ever in this situation just answer "Gary Sheffield."

Sal won't take offense.

Sal Demands Recognition

Hey, folks. Sal's gotta do some unloadin'.

(Editor's note: there was a slight delay here as Sal excused himself and visited the men's room.)

Sorry about that...now Sal's got a different kind of unloadin' to do. See - Sal's been tryin' out a new negotiatin' tactic when it comes to this whole free agency thing and he ain't happy wit' the reaction he's been gettin'.

Sal has decided to sweeten the deal for whichever lucky team signs him. Sal has promised to give said team a huge honor:

Sal has guaranteed that he will wear their cap on his Hall of Fame plaque.

Now several people - including Sal's agent, a bunch of GMs, and Sal's mom - have laughed at this idea when Sal presented it to them. This has Sal confused. He can't understand why this honor would bring the chuckles to these folks instead of teary-eyed expressions of gratitudin'.

So Sal decided to do some number crunchin' to prove these giggle-marys wrong. And guess what? As far as Sal can tell he's already a Hall of Famer.

Let's take a look at a very prominent stat that we in baseball call "Fieldin' Percentage." Here are the "Fieldin' Percentages" of some fellas who are on this year's Hall of Fame Ballot:

Cal Ripken: .977
Tony Gwynn: .987
Mark McGwire: .993
Jack Morris: .965
Goose Gossage: .925
Andre Dawson: .983
Harold Baines: .973
Jose Canseco: .971
Orel Hershiser: .946
Tommy John: .963
Dale Murphy: .980

Now let's look at one other fella:

Sal Fasano: .988

Here's the straight talk comin: while Sal will admit this is a small samplin' the fact remains - Sal's "Fieldin' Percentage" kicks the poop noodles outta these other fellas. Well, all except McGwire anyway and that's probably because he stuck all them needles in his can.

But this ain't enough ammo for ol' Sallie, so he's askin' your help. Sal is postin' a poll down below and he wants you folks to vote. Be honest - Sal don't need no charity. The question is below:

If a crazy psycho-lunatic had a gun to your head and told you to pick only one of these here fellas to send to the Hall of Fame, who would you pick?
	Mark McGwire
	Cal Ripken
	Tony Gwynn
	Jack Morris
	Andre Dawson
	Jim Rice
	Gary Sheffield
	Sal Fasano (this here is me)
pollcode.com free polls

Make the right choice, Pals.

Sal Has Narrowed His Potential Employer List to Twenty-Nine

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal ain't playin' for Arizona next year.

As the old sayin' goes, Sal ain't interested in openin' old wounds.

Personal catchin'.

Ugh.