Sal Blows the Lid Off the Whole Thing

OK, folks. Sal's got somethin' to say, and he just can't hold it in anymore.

See, Sal was just gonna let it go. But after watchin' the World Series and readin' all of the articles that came afterwards, Sal knew that he just wouldn't be able to sleep at nights if he didn't come clean about what he knows.

First, just take a look at a picture of the fella who was named World Series MVP:













Seems like a scrappy little guy, huh? Someone who got to the majors and excelled the ol' fashioned way, right?

Not by a long shot.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal played against Eckstein in the minors and the Eckstein that Sal knew looked nothin' like that guy up there. The Eckstein Sal knew looked like this:














See, when Sal first met Eck - he wasn't on the other team's roster. Well, not really, anyway. He was just a "little person" who was brought in by team's owner to play in the game as a publicity stunt. The whole thing was what we in baseball call an "homage" to the old Bill Veeck/Eddie Gaedel gimmick.

Well, wouldn't you know it? In the one at bat he was (supposed) to get, "Li'l Eck" worked himself a walk. This was not too suprisin' since the tiny bastard was 3'2".

But, see, the legend goes that "Baby Eck" got a taste for the game of baseball, and he wasn't ready to walk away after one measly base-on-balls.

Lo and behold, the next time Sal saw "Diminutive David," he was a full time player on that team that was once usin' him like a sideshow exhibit. He had shot up to a freakish 5'7". And his rage was out of control.

Yep - he was lousy wit' HGH.

Eck was so crazy for baseball that he stuck them needles in his can until he had grown over 2 feet. Before the HGH, Eck couldn't even throw the ball to first base. Now, he can get it there in a hop or two.

So, basically, Sal is just sayin' pick your heroes wisely. I know at least 6 or 7 players who ain't cheatin' if anybody needs a suggestion.

One of 'em is a currently unemployed backup catcher.

Who owns a train.

Sal Sees Little Alternative

Hey, folks. Sal.

Sal has never been one to talk the "bullshit." He's always given you the straight talk. So Sal feels like he's gotta level wit' you when it comes to the free agent life.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal ain't been gettin' too many nibbles in the free agent market. As a matter of fact not one major league team has inquired as to the availability of Sal's services. Sal's agent did get a call from a Japanese team, but Sal ain't too sure about that because he heard a rumor that Japanese players don't deal wit' mistakes well. As a matter of fact, Sal heard that if one of the Japanese players "dishonors" his team by making an error the rest of the guys grab him and throw him right off the friggin' field. Sal has seen photographic proof:















Anyways, Sal got to thinkin': Sal ain't ready to stop playin' ball yet. So Sal came up wit' a fool-proof plan. Sal is goin' to pattern the rest of career after his hero Al "The Mad Hungarian" Hrabosky.

See, not only did Al have a kick-ass fu manchu, but he was also a left-handed reliever - and if there's one thing Sal knows it's that the easiest way to stick around the majors is to do it as a left-handed reliever.

So Big Sallie is in trainin'. It's gonna be a long haul because not only has Sal never pitched before, but Sal is also right handed. But in-between stops on the Fu Man-Choo-Choo Sal is gonna make his body learn how to be a left handed reliever. He's thinkin' about becomin' one of them submariners. They're crazy funny.

It's gonna take a lot of work, but Sal's not worried. Sal's body is a finely-tuned athletic machine.

Sal Just Can't Hold It In Anymore

Hi, kids. It's Sal.

A week or so back, ol' Sal teased you a bit about what his vacation plans might be. Sal was plannin' on waitin' for the Series to get done wit' before he told you. See, Sal didn't want to steal any of the thunder from baseball. But, Sal was gettin' a bit anxious - and he just saw Kenny Rogers cheatin' wit' some pine tar on his hand - so Sal figured if baseball was gonna let him get away wit' that stuff then they deserved a bit of de-thunderization.

Sal thought long and hard about what he wanted to do wit' Mrs. Sal and the mini-Sals this offseason. Sal thinks they're as good a family as a backup catcher could ask for, so he wanted to do something really special. I mean just look at these here faces:



That's Mrs. Sal in the middle.








Then on May 2nd (when Sal was still with his ol' team in Pennsylvania) he was talkin' wit' a player on the team he was playin' who we'll call "Dontrelle." Dontrelle told Sal about a recent acquisition that he was already lookin' to get rid of. He called said acquisition "The D-Train."

Here's the straight talk comin': "The D-Train" was a fully operational locomotive-type machine. The kind of machine a back-up catcher could customize and use to take the Fasano bunch across this here wonderful nation for the entire off-season. That's right, ladies and gentlemen: I'd like to introduce you to...

THE FU MAN-CHOO-CHOO















Pretty sweet, huh? Sal did the customizin' all by himself.

Anyways, this is what Sal, Mrs. Sal and the mini-Sals will be doin' this offseason. But no need to worry. Sal made sure the Fu Man-Choo-Choo had a kick-ass wireless connection, so you'll be able to read updates from Sal right here, no matter where he is in this here country.

Talk soon.

Woo-woo!!!

Sal Has Decided to Pass on a Recent Offer

Hi Folks, it's baseball's newest free agent: Sal.

That's right - after much of what we in baseball call "soul searchin'," Sal has decided to test the free agent market to see what kinda cash teams are willin' to give him, so's Sal can buy stuff for Mrs. Sal and the little Sals.

But Sal wants you to know this decision wasn't just about money.

As you may remember, Sal was recently approached by a fella we called "Baron Von Backspasms" who asked Sal if he would be his 'personal catcher.' Sal was torn. This idea meant Sal would have a job where he was guaranteed a chance to start every 5 days. There was only one problem. And this here problem was the deal breaker.

Sal does not enjoy bein' sexed in his can.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal actually considered this for a day. Sal wants to play and Sal is willin' to do almost anything to get on the field. Sal even thought he might be able to bend to the Baron wishes.

But then Sal remembered the Baron's nickname.

See - the fella's call the Baron "The Big Unit." I don't know about the non-baseball world, but when we in baseball say someone's got a 'big unit' it means he's swingin' a 54-ounce bat, if you know what Sal means.

So in the end (Sal intends no pun) Sal decided this here idea would just be too painful for him to swallow. Again, Sal wasn't intendin' the pun.

So anyone interested in a backup catcher wit' a little bit of hittin' skills and a willin'ness to grow a fu manchu, give Sal a call. He's willin' to work hard for you. Not like that, though.

Sal Has Received An Indecent Proposal

Hey, folks. Sal's back.

Sal didn't want to leave you hangin' for too long.

Some people have been askin', "Hey, Sal. What's with the hiatus?" And Sal didn't really know what to say, mainly because he didn't know what "hiatus" meant. But then, Mrs. Sal mentioned that it's like what happened when Sal's favorite TV show, "CopRock" suddenly went off the air a few years back, and then Sal understood.

Really, Sal's been away a few days for two major reasons:

Reason #1: Sal's been puttin' the finishin' touches on his off-season vacation plans! Sal can't talk about 'em just yet, because he hasn't even told Mrs. Sal, or the mini-Sals. But all Sal can say is: "Woo-woo!"

Reason #2: Sal's been readin' the papers every day, waitin' to see if he's on the ol' choppin' block. There's changes comin' to Sal's team (can't say which one!) and Sal has been hopin' to find out if he's "part of the problem, or part of the solution," as they say in the business world. So, really, how can Sal be expected to type when he's readin' so hard?

But enough reasonin'. Here's a weird thing that happened to Sal this week: Sal got a phone call from one of his pitchin' guys the other day. Because Sal can't say his name, we'll call him "Baron von Backspasms." So, anyways, the Baron told Sal that he was hopin' that next year, Sal would be his "personal catcher," seein' as things hadn't gone too well for him lately.

Well, obviously, Sal was more than a little freaked out by this proposition. What was he supposed to say? There was only one option: Sal politely declined the offer.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal has said it before and he'll say it again: Sal is not a gay.

He wants everybody to live their lives like they want, but "personal catchin'" is not Sal's style.

Baron von Backspasms didn't really understand Sal's concern, and when Sal declined the Baron said to be careful, because if Sal didn't accept the offer he might find himself with nothin' more than a minor league contract next year.

Now, Sal knows what blackmail is, and this sounded a whole helluva lot like blackmail. And if one thing's for sure, Sal doesn't like threats. So, Sal was about to tell the Baron where he could shove his bulgin' disk when...

Sal got to thinkin' about the situation. Goin' back to the minors, or bein' the Baron's "personal catcher"?

See, Sal's always said that bein' in the minors is like sexin' with the same woman all your life...it's awesome for a while, just because you're doin' it, but after too long you start wonderin' what the sexin' is like in the real world.

So, now, Sal is confused. He's got some ponderin' to do. In the end, it comes down to one thing: Who does Sal want to have sex with?

Sal Fears Change

Hey kids. Sal here.

Sorry Sal didn't write for a little while, but he needed some time to collect his thoughts and come to terms wit' his new reality.

See - Sal's team didn't do too good. In fact they "sucked moose balls," as we in baseball refer to it.

Now, Sal is hearin' some whisperin's of changes that are comin'. This has Sal scared. See, Sal is a free agent. And now it looks like Sal's team might not resign him. Sal doesn't want to move. All this real-estate mumbo jumbo can be a real pain in a backup catcher's can.

This whole thing had Sal so depressed that he tried to drink his cares away. Then he woke up this mornin' with another killer case of veisalgia. When it rains, it friggin' pours.

So Sal isn't happy. It looks like Coach might be gone. And so might 'Swedish Shef' and 'B-Rod.' Actually...Sal won't miss those two too much.

But don't worry, pals. Sal will be OK. Tonight he's gonna start plannin' his family vacation. You can bet you'll hear all about that when you check back here. And you'll get to hear big Sallie's take on the rest of the playoffs.

In the meantime, Sal hopes this will help cheer everybody up:

Sal Believes Others Are Taking Credit for His Ideas

Hey folks, it's Sal.

Sal is sure that you, his loyal readers, know this but he'll say it anyway: when Sal gets bored, he writes. But what you might not know is that Sal doesn't always write blog-things. Sometimes Sal writes lineups.

Sal likes to tinker.

So yesterday while sittin' in the bullpen Sal wrote out a hypotheoretical lineup. Sal wanted to drop "B-Rod" to 8th and then Sal wanted to get "Milk and Cookies" in the game. So today Sal takes a look at the lineup Coach posted in the dugout and guess what?

Sal has been plagiarized.

The lineup is almost identical to Sal's except for two things:
1) Sal thought it would be funny to write "Purple Lips McPansyass" in the 8th spot instead of "B-Rod's" real name. Coach didn't do that.
2) In Coach's lineup, Sal ain't catchin'.

Sal doesn't want to make stink about the whole thing, but if his team wins Sal would like a little credit. If they don't - Sal had nothin' to do with it.

Sal Puts An On-Going Debate To Rest With Irrefutable Evidence

Hey, folks. Sal.

So, Sal's here in this place where they're obsessed with cars and with makin' cars, and everything with cars. It's cold, and Sal is doin' his ritual: typin' before the game.

What Sal has to say tonight is kinda important. It's important because Sal doesn't like the perception that some people have about his team (you can't trick Sal...he's still not sayin' which one).

See, it seems that a lot of people like to bash on Sal's guys because they're all "All-Stars" and they all make "millions and millions and millions" of dollars. When the guys lose, they're like, "Hah-hah, those guys who are All-Stars and millionaires can't win," and then when the guys win it's like, "Of course they won, they're All-Stars and millionaires." It's so retarded.

Here's the straight talk comin': Sal is a part of this team and he is not an "All-Star" and he is not a multi-millionaire.

He's not.

Not even close.

Not even by a long shot.

So, Sal guesses, there goes your argument.

Bet that'll shut you people up.

So there.

Now, let's play some ball.

Sal Has Developed Feelings of Platonic Admiration for Another Gentleman

Hey, folks. Guess who? Sal.

Sal's feelin' pretty good today because his team won its first playoff game - but somethin' happened yesterday that made Sal step back and examine himself.

See - during yesterday's game Sal started to feel some feelin's for another man that Sal had never felt before. Sal wanted to hang out wit' this guy. He wanted to talk wit' him. He even wanted to be him.

Sal has what people call a "man crush."

Now, Sal can't stress enough that this does not make Sal a gay. Sal is NOT a gay.

But, while Sal was watchin' this here guy do his thing, Sal was impressed. This guy was confident. He walked up to the home plate area wit' confidence. And, like always, this here guy really knows how to perform in October.

That's right. Sal has a "man crush" on...

Ronan Tynan.








Sal was confused. What was it about this here fella that had Sal smitten? Was it his voice? Kinda. But that wasn't it. So, Sal went to ask the smartest guy he knows (Moose McKnucklecurve) what he thought the reasonin' was.

Here's what Sal and Moose came up wit':
1) Sal is impressed wit' the way Ronan makes up that bogus first verse to "God Bless America." That is crazy funny. That verse doesn't exist. Ronan just does it to mess wit' the other team's pitcher.

2) Sal is wowed by the way Ronan can walk even though he ain't got no legs.

And most importantly, comes this here scientificatin' equation that Moose came up wit'. Sal is dazzled by Ronan because...

3)


So this made Sal feel much better. Sal is man-crushin' on Ronan because he reminds Sal of Shrek crossed wit' Sloth wearin' glasses. And he's singin' and walkin' wit' no legs.

That's it for now. Sal's gotta take hittin' practice.

Sal is Unsure of How, Exactly, He Should Prepare

Hey, kids. It's Sal.

It's about 2 hours until Sal is supposed to play in his second playoff game ever. Sal played in one wit' another team 6 years ago but he was kinda like that Moonlight Graham guy in Field of Dreams. Sal went in for defense, but Sal never got to hit.

So Sal has already taken battin' practice. He's gonna go out and have a long toss. He's gonna go out and run sprints (even though other guys laugh at him and yell "Hey, Sal! You're supposed to run.") I guess they don't realize Sal is runnin'.

But here's the straight talk comin': Sal isn't sure any of this here stuff matters. See, Sal is pretty sure he ain't playin' in this game. Or the next one. Or in any of these here playoff games.

So basically none of this hittin' and runnin' and throwin' matters 'cause Sal ain't got a chance of playin' unless his team makes it to the World Series and his coach does one of them fancy pants "double-switchers."

So Sal has decided that this here blog will be his warm-up. He's gonna hide in the clubhouse and type while them other guys are runnin' and such. Sal will take battin' practice, though.

Sal likes to hit.

If this here works and Sal's team wins tonight, expect to see another pre-game message from Sal tomorrow.

Sal's got the superstitions.

Wish Sal luck.

:^{

Crazy funny.

Sal Presents "T'ree Up, T'ree Down wit' Sal." Today's Guest: 'Swedish Shef'

Hey, folks. Sal again. Today Sal would like to present the second edition of "T'ree Up, T'ree Down wit' Sal," the thing where Sal asks other baseball guys t'ree questions. Today's guest is Gary Sheffield.








Since Gary plays for the same team as Sal, we have to protect his identity, so we'll call him 'Swedish Shef.'

This is not to be confused wit' that crazy funny muppet.











Actually, Sal would love it if Gary was that crazy funny muppet. Sal likes his funny talkin' and mess makin'. Sal wishes he had a teammate like that.













Sal: Swedish Shef, thanks for comin' on "T'ree Up, T'ree Down wit' Sal."

Swedish Shef: What the hell you call me?

Sal: Here's question one comin': Swedish Shef, you been learnin' how to play first base. In fact, you're good enough now that you'll be joinin' Sal on the post-season roster. Are you nervous about playin' first, Swedish Shef?

Swedish Shef: Call me that one more time and I'm gonna slap you in your eye.

Sal: Sal will assume that's a yes. Here's question two comin': Swedish Shef....

(Editor's note: there was a slight delay in the interview here because 'Swedish Shef' slapped Sal in the eye. An ice-pack was applied and Sal is fine.)

Sal: OK, let's try again. Here's question two comin' again: Swe...uh, Shef you have a reputation for acting like what we in baseball call "an asshole."

Swedish Shef: What's your question?

Sal: No question. Here's question three comin': you have a habit of referrin' to Sal as "Fu ManBoobs." Don't you know that Sal has what we in baseball call a "glandular problem?"

Swedish Shef: We 'bout done?

Sal: That's all the time we got for "T'ree Up, T'ree Down wit' Sal." Sorry this was not the usual kind of interviewin' you expect from Sal. Sal hopes you forgive him after watchin' the only muppet wit' a fu manchu.



Crazy funny.